Twelve Degrees Out

Posted: Friday January 16

by Dan Rattiner

Global warming is on the ropes. Up in Alaska and at the North Pole, the ice caps have reformed. And the polar bears, who have been swimming around for years trying to hang on, are now scrambling up onto the ice, god bless them.

I think the cause of it is the collapse of the economy. There are fewer cars on the road, fewer smokestacks pouring out carbon emissions. Fewer diesel fired tankers bringing bottled water across the Atlantic from Timbucktoo to Kalamazoo.

I am sure you have noticed the environmental effects of this economic downturn here in the Hamptons. Temperatures have sunk into the twenties. Then we had a big snowstorm. Now we've got temperatures in the teens with the windchill at minus five. And relatives I have in Pennsylvania say that they've got temperatures around zero with -5 expected tomorrow. Since weather flows from west to east as the earth spins around, we're going to suffer through that in the next few days.

The new palm trees that have sprung up along the ocean in Water Mill are dying. The pelicans and cockatoos are flying south. And the Canadian Geese are returning. I've seen big fights going on at the bird feeders. It's survival of the fittest.

Didn't that airplane that made that miraculous landing in the Hudson River yesterday get clogged up with Canadian Geese? Poor things. Thought those engine intakes would be a good place to get warm and perhaps get food.

Get out those snowmobiles. Fire up your SUVs. Start buying as many consumer goods as you can. And let's get this economy back up and running. We've got to get global warming back on track.