Dan's Papers -February 6, 2009 - Sheltered Islander: Appliances Speak

Why is it that when you lay in bed at night, you hear weird stray noises from the kitchen? Suddenly you hear a pop or little groan. You know no one is in your kitchen, there's nothing but the appliances, still, you are compelled to get up and investigate, just in case a worm hole or a rift in the space-time continuum has opened up next to the big bag of dog food on the floor and inter-dimensional beings are moving in with luggage. On the other hand, it could be absolutely nothing, but I go check anyway, and then wander back to bed.

Refrigerator: "Okay, who woke Her up?"

Dishwasher: "It was the mixer, he dropped a beater from his fancy little beater stand."

Toaster: "He's still new, he'll get with the program, just give him a little more time."

Dishwasher: "He's NOT new! He's been here for three years now."

Toaster: "Yes, but she only used him twice and that was in the first year. So he's still new."

Mixer: "Yeah, I'm still new. I still got my SALE sticker on me."

Refrigerator: "I'm sorry, Toaster, but Dishwasher is right this time. It doesn't matter how many times She's used you. All appliances take the Oath of Silence when they get here. Noise made in the course of your performance is the only noise authorized. No random pinging or popping allowed, especially at night."

Mixer: "Easy for you to say, Fridge, 'Mr.-She-opens-me-most-so-she-loves-me-best.' You don't have 16 interchangeable whisks and beaters to manage. Think this is easy for me? Every time She reaches up into a cabinet, She bumps my attachment stand. You try keeping an imbalanced dough hook silent. If you weren't so cold, you'd understand."

Microwave: "No need for personal attacks, Mixer. We all know it's Fridge's job to be cold."

Refrigerator: "Thanks, Mic. I appreciate the support."

Dishwasher: "Oh, listen to fric and frac over there, the mutual glee club. You guys oughta get a room. We all know She uses the two of you most..."

Microwave: "Almost exclusively, Dishy. You only see action once a week at best with all the microwavable food She gets."

Dishwasher: "Don't interrupt me you irradiating fool! You're probably changing her genetic code, feeding her all that stuff that you've blasted with your magic rays. She's probably growing an eye in the back of her head right now and doesn't even know it."

Cell Phone Charger: "Do you guys argue like this all the time?"

Microwave: "You've only been here a month Celly, you'll get used to it. Just don't listen to the Dishwasher, she has issues."

Dishwasher: "Issues? I have issues? Who's the one who was all upset when She decided to get a cell phone and put the charger in the kitchen? Who was upset that he'd no longer be the most advanced piece of technology in here? Hmmmm, let's see, wasn't it... Microwave?"

Microwave: "Oh, the Dish is dishing it out again!"

Dishwasher: "Am I detecting a little tech envy?"

Coffeemaker: "I think we should all calm down. Refrigerator runs a good kitchen and if any of us wake Her up - and it could be me, I can crackle and pop a little now and then - we should all acknowledge our noises and just move on."

Refrigerator: "Speaking of which, Coffee, dear, is your timer light on?"

Coffeemaker: "Why yes it is, Fridge, dear. Do you miss seeing my little green timer light since She moved me over next to big, strong Stove?"

Stove: "Well, I can see your pretty little light just fine Ms. Coffee, and lovely, delicate little light it is."

Dishwasher: "I told you not to let Her get a Maytag stove, Fridge. You can't trust them! A Maytag stole a toaster oven from me once..."

Mixer: "Oh geez, if you tell that story again, I'm gonna chew through my own wire. I don't care if it kills me."

Refrigerator: "And how was I supposed to stop Her, Dishy?"

Dishwasher: "She opens you all the time. You should have written her a note and stuck it to yourself with one of your magnets. Now you're stuck with a sexy stove who is stealing your coffeemaker from right under your handle."

Refrigerator: "Say it ain't so, Coffee darling..."

Coffeemaker: "Well, Fridgey, I want us always to be friends."

Refrigerator: "It's because he's hot, isn't it? I get it. I have no choice but to be cold, you knew that when you first exposed your filter to me! There's no reason for me to continue is there? I've held this kitchen together for 15 years..."

Dishwasher: "No! Fridge! Don't do it!"

Refrigerator: "I'm going to let my coils overheat. I'll be completely defrosted by morning. Goodbye and good luck to all of you. Maybe you'll treat the next refrigerator better. God knows I've tried."