Dan's Papers - March 6, 2009 - Sheltered Islander: Resolutions

Shelter Islanders aren't what you'd call A-type personalities, rushing to be first in line. So I felt that March was a great time for me to get my New Years resolutions on paper.

Among the standard New Year's resolutions to lose weight, stop smoking, not forget to send timely birthday cards, Islanders usually have a few resolutions unique to living on the Island:

I resolve to find the money to repair the boat by Spring, specifically by Memorial Day, and if not by Memorial Day, definitely by Fourth of July, but absolutely by Labor Day.

I resolve to recycle with a smile on my face, even in the winter when the wind blows my papers out of my hand and all over the place. Even in the cold rain when I risk catching pneumonia and certain death. Even in the bitter cold when I have to take off my gloves and suffer frostbite because the cans slip from my hands. No matter how much I suffer, I will remember that I am saving the planet, even though the planet has not once sent me so much as a "thank you' note.

I resolve to leave an educational book in the car at all times so I can use the waits on ferry lines to better myself. If not an educational book, a quality novel. If not a quality novel, definitely a

'How To' book on something I need to learn to do for myself. If not a How To book, I'll put puzzle books in the car, not just Search a Word, but the Logic puzzles books that make me exercise my mind. If not puzzle books, I'll at least have a few "Country Living" (for women) / "porn" (for men) magazines in my car just to help me stay awake. On the other hand, if I don't feel like reading, I can always listen to music.

Come summertime, I will exercise greater patience with tourists whose bucks we need. When I find that two tourists are socializing in the narrow lanes of IGA and blocking everyone as if we weren't even there, I will resist using my scarf as a sling to launch a can of kidney beans at them as I shout, "Incoming!"

I will try to have a better attitude towards bicyclists. I know they have a right to bicycle, and even to live. They are doing the healthy things that I should be doing and I respect that. And when they block the road, because they are in the road just enough so I can't pass them, I will not yell at them, "Move over you moron!' anymore. Instead, I will yell, "Pardon me cyclist, would you kindly move another four feet to your right so that I may pass, thank you so much." And even though I will want to gun the motor and honk my honk close enough to cause them to topple into the brush, I shall not do it. After all, it's the thought that counts...

I will tip more at restaurants. It is ridiculous that in America we have this bizarre form of employment that pays a person a pittance an hour and then they must rely on the customer to judge their job performance and pay what they think the server deserves, or what the customer can afford. It's really a stupid concept. Imagine, whatever job you do, that you were held responsible for the product - even though you didn't cook or create it, and your pay was contingent on what your customer thought you deserved when all you did was deliver the item - talk about killing the messenger!

I resolve not to correct younger people when they misspeak because their numbers seem to be growing. I have always corrected them on the belief I was helping them, but there seems to be an inordinate number of people younger than me lately and I can't spend all my time teaching them when to use "who" versus "whom." Further, when I hear them on their cell phones asking, "Where you at?" I will not yank the phone from their hands and hurl it into brush, followed by beating them with my handbag for five full minutes because of their abuse of the English language. The police were nice to let me off the first time and I resolve not to push it.

And finally I resolve to try to carry out at least two of my listed resolutions. I don't know which two it will end up being, we'll just have to see how the year goes and whether or not I can get a prescription for Xanax, or some other anti-homicidal medication.